Manchester United Adventures
Starring Sir Alex Ferguson and Manchester United FC
Wigan Athletic 1 - Manchester United 0
Behind the scenes after the Wigan Athletic game...
Sir Alex: This is why we can’t have nice things! Because you idiots can’t win a game against a team that’s practically bloody relegated! What’s wrong with you lot? Can’t you focus? Stop playing around and losing to teams that barely have a chance of being in this league next year! How do you expect to win another championship if you can’t even beat a team like Wigan Athletic? How can you---Valencia, what the hell are you doing?
Evra: It’s shiny!
Sir Alex: Both of you, turn around and listen to me! All of you are supposed to--Valencia, what the hell are you doing?
Evra: It’s shiiiiny!
Sir Alex: Stop! You’re both embarrassing this team and making me look like a fool! Can you both not focus on the matter at hand? Which is, at this moment, winning a game!
Rooney raises his hand.
Sir Alex: What?
Rooney: I want ice cream.
Sir Alex: Well you cannot have ice cream! You don’t deserve ice cream! You couldn’t score against Wigan Athletic, after all, why would I get you--oh, god, don’t cry, someone do something!
Rafael: Oh my god, you made him cry! You big meanie!
Sir Alex: I’m sorry, okay? I’ll get you some bloody ice cream! Just stop crying, or you won’t get anything at--Valencia, what the hell are you doing?
Evra: It’s so shiny~
Sir Alex: How have I put up with them for so long?
Giggs: You made him cry! Aw, need a kiss to make it better, Wayne?
Evra: Eww! Ryan has cooties! Gross! Are they gonna kiss?
Rafael: Oh my god! They’re so cute! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!
Sir Alex: Stop this, right now! Everyone, pay attention to me before I lose my--
Sir Alex: What the fuck was that?
Young: I didn’t do it!
Rafael: Ohhhhhhhhh, you broke it!
Sir Alex: What the hell did you break? I swear, if that was one of our trophies, I’m going to--Valencia, get that out of your ear!
Evra: But it’s shiny!
Sir Alex: Stop this right now! This is madness!
Rooney and Giggs: This is Sparta!
Evra: No, this is Patrick.
Nani: Where’s the ice cream?
Rooney: Ice cream! Ice cream!
Sir Alex: Be absolutely quiet and listen to me or none of you get ice cream!
Sir Alex: SILENCE!
Awkward pause. After a moment, someone’s mobile starts ringing, playing Wannabe by the Spice Girls.
Sir Alex: Don’t answer it. Just turn it off.
Rafael: SO TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT WHAT YOU REALLY REALLY WANT
Sir Alex: Turn the mobile off now!
Rooney: I’m sorry!
The song ends.
Ryan: Your ringtone is Wannabe? That is so cute, I could kiss you!
Rafael: Kiss him!
Evra: Ew, cooties!
Sir Alex: Stop this, please! I’m reaching my wit’s end with you lot now! I’m about to take away our ice cream trip! Please, there’s only so much I can--Valencia, what the hell are you doing? Get that out of your fucking ear!
Sir Alex: Evra, take that away from him. Valencia, that doesn’t go in your ear!
Evra: Yay! Shiny for me!
Valencia: niqqa fuqq u
The entire locker room is silent.
Rafael: What just happened?
Sir Alex: Oh, for fuck’s sake. Let’s go get ice cream.
Giggs: I love your smile!
He kisses Rooney on the mouth.
Evra: Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! Cooties!
Sir Alex: Get out of this locker room or you don’t get anything.
Nani: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
Sir Alex: Ladies and gentlemen, this is what I put up with every day. And Valencia, stop putting things in your bloody ear!
The end. I spent much of the editing that I did for formatting hoping that no one assumed I was taking drugs. I assure you, I was not on any sort of narcotic. I promise.