The Princess of Lemon Koolaid (lokisoup) wrote,
The Princess of Lemon Koolaid

Manchester United Adventures 1: After Wigan Athletic

Warning...I have no idea what the fuck is happening here.

Manchester United Adventures

Starring Sir Alex Ferguson and Manchester United FC

Wigan Athletic 1 - Manchester United 0
Behind the scenes after the Wigan Athletic game...

Sir Alex: This is why we can’t have nice things! Because you idiots can’t win a game against a team that’s practically bloody relegated! What’s wrong with you lot? Can’t you focus? Stop playing around and losing to teams that barely have a chance of being in this league next year! How do you expect to win another championship if you can’t even beat a team like Wigan Athletic? How can you---Valencia, what the hell are you doing?

Evra: It’s shiny!

Valencia: wot

Sir Alex: Both of you, turn around and listen to me! All of you are supposed to--Valencia, what the hell are you doing?

Evra: It’s shiiiiny!

Valencia: wot

Sir Alex: Stop! You’re both embarrassing this team and making me look like a fool! Can you both not focus on the matter at hand? Which is, at this moment, winning a game!

Rooney raises his hand.

Sir Alex: What?

Rooney: I want ice cream.

Sir Alex: Well you cannot have ice cream! You don’t deserve ice cream! You couldn’t score against Wigan Athletic, after all, why would I get you--oh, god, don’t cry, someone do something!

Rafael: Oh my god, you made him cry! You big meanie!

Sir Alex: I’m sorry, okay? I’ll get you some bloody ice cream! Just stop crying, or you won’t get anything at--Valencia, what the hell are you doing?

Valencia: wot

Evra: It’s so shiny~

Sir Alex: How have I put up with them for so long?

Giggs: You made him cry! Aw, need a kiss to make it better, Wayne?

Evra: Eww! Ryan has cooties! Gross! Are they gonna kiss?

Rafael: Oh my god! They’re so cute! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

Sir Alex: Stop this, right now! Everyone, pay attention to me before I lose my--


Sir Alex: What the fuck was that?

Young: I didn’t do it!

Rafael: Ohhhhhhhhh, you broke it!

Sir Alex: What the hell did you break? I swear, if that was one of our trophies, I’m going to--Valencia, get that out of your ear!

Evra: But it’s shiny!

Valencia: wot

Sir Alex: Stop this right now! This is madness!

Rooney and Giggs: This is Sparta!

Evra: No, this is Patrick.

Nani: Where’s the ice cream?

Rooney: Ice cream! Ice cream!

Sir Alex: Be absolutely quiet and listen to me or none of you get ice cream!

Nani: But--

Sir Alex: SILENCE!

Awkward pause. After a moment, someone’s mobile starts ringing, playing Wannabe by the Spice Girls.

Sir Alex: Don’t answer it. Just turn it off.


Sir Alex: Turn the mobile off now!

Rooney: I’m sorry!

The song ends.

Rafael: Aw...

Ryan: Your ringtone is Wannabe? That is so cute, I could kiss you!

Rafael: Kiss him!

Evra: Ew, cooties!

Sir Alex: Stop this, please! I’m reaching my wit’s end with you lot now! I’m about to take away our ice cream trip! Please, there’s only so much I can--Valencia, what the hell are you doing? Get that out of your fucking ear!

Valencia: wot

Sir Alex: Evra, take that away from him. Valencia, that doesn’t go in your ear!

Evra: Yay! Shiny for me!

Valencia: niqqa fuqq u

The entire locker room is silent.

Evra: uh...

Rafael: What just happened?

Sir Alex: Oh, for fuck’s sake. Let’s go get ice cream.

Rooney: Yay!

Giggs: I love your smile!

He kisses Rooney on the mouth.

Evra: Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! Cooties!

Sir Alex: Get out of this locker room or you don’t get anything.

Nani: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

Sir Alex: Ladies and gentlemen, this is what I put up with every day. And Valencia, stop putting things in your bloody ear!

Valencia: wot

The end. I spent much of the editing that I did for formatting hoping that no one assumed I was taking drugs. I assure you, I was not on any sort of narcotic. I promise.


Tags: crackfic, football, i have no idea, manchester united, sir alex ferguson
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