The Princess of Lemon Koolaid (lokisoup) wrote,
The Princess of Lemon Koolaid
lokisoup

Manchester United Adventures 2: Robin Van Persie?!

Manchester United Adventures 2: Robin Van Persie?!

Summary: Robin Van Persie is on his way to United...and how will the United players handle their surprise? Or will they react at all?



The entire Man United locker room is on edge for something Sir Alex is going to say. He seems to be really dressed up for some reason.

Sir Alex: Men, I have a surprise for you.

Nani: Is it ice cream?

Rooney: Ice cream?

Sir Alex: No, it is not ice cream. I would like you all to act professional when I show you the surprise.

Young: Who actually acts professional?

Giggs: Hey, shut the fuck up, Ashley.

Sir Alex: This is what I don’t want you lot doing when the surprise gets here. You’ll embarrass me. You’ll really like this surprise.

Giggs: Sorry...

Sir Alex: This means you have to sit there like grown men and wait. Young, I’d appreciate it if you would refrain from breaking things, and Rooney, please get out of your boyfriend’s lap.

Reluctantly, Rooney moves from Giggs’ lap and sits on the chair next to him. Young steps away from the trophy case and sits on the floor because he’s not worthy of having a chair.

Sir Alex: Thank you.

Nani: Is the surprise ice cream?

Rooney: Can the surprise be changed to ice cream?

Evra: Wayne and Ryan are holding hands behind the chair!

Sir Alex: I thought I’ve mentioned before that PDA is not very professional. I want to see both of you with your hands in your own laps.

They do what he says, but move their chairs closer together.

Sir Alex: ...okay. Now. I would like to introduce our surprise. Valencia, put that down.

Evra: It’s shiny!

Valencia: wot

Sir Alex: Oh, god, not this again. Okay, fine, Valencia, as long as you don’t drop that you can hold it.

Nani: I really want ice cream.

Rafael: Me too. Can the surprise be ice cream? Please?

Sir Alex: The surprise will be very upset if you trade him for ice cream.

Rafael: Oh my god, it’s a person!

Evra: But you can’t eat people!

Nani: I want ice cream!

Rafael: Ice cream! Ice cream! Ice cream!

Rooney’s phone rings. It is Wannabe by the Spice Girls.

Sir Alex: Rafael, don’t--

Rafael: YO I’LL TELL YOU WHAT I WANT WHAT I REALLY REALLY WANT

Evra: SO TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT WHAT YOU REALLY REALLY WANT

Sir Alex: All of you, be quiet!

Nani: The surprise should get used to this.

The two awkward newcomers are trying to figure out what the fuck is happening. The Spice Girls serenade from Rafael and Evra is continuing as all of this is happening, despite Rooney silencing his phone.

Powell: Um...we never had this problem at Crewe Alexandra...

Kagawa: Some clubs have this problem...I think it is mostly this one, however.

Sir Alex: I am so sorry, they’re usually a lot more well-behaved when it involves new players.

He turns to the door.

Nani: He’s going to get ice cream!

Sir Alex: I am not!

Rafael: I WANNA I WANNA I WANNA

Evra: I WANNA REALLY REALLY REALLY WANNA--

Sir Alex: You two, shut the fuck up!

They stop singing.

Rooney: I love you, Ryan~

Giggs: I love you too, Wayne~

Sir Alex: I’m going to die here...

Crash.

Young: It was Valencia!

Valencia: wot

Nani: It really was Valencia this time!

Evra: That certainly took a turn...

Pretty Boy Swag by Soulja Boy starts playing from somewhere.

Sir Alex: What the hell?

Rafael: It isn’t me!

Rooney: Me neither.

Voice: I am your surprise!

Sir Alex: Wait, is that--

Robin Van Persie walks in.

Nani: Our surprise is Van Persie?

Evra: Holy shit!

Valencia: niqqa dhat shit cray

Van Persie: Took you long enough. Hello. I am Robin Van--

Giggs: I swear to Christ if you try and take away my Rooney’s fame on the field I will kill you!

Evra: I want ice cream!

Powell: Wait, the surprise is this guy?

Kagawa: I will just sit here with you and try not to laugh.

Van Persie: I, uh--

Evra: Ice cream?

Nani: Ice cream!

Sir Alex: Stop embarrassing me!

Van Persie: What is he doing?

Sir Alex: What are you talking abo--Valencia, what the hell are you doing?

Valencia: PRETTY BOY SWAG, PRETTY BOY SWAG

Sir Alex: Valencia, where are your clothes?

Evra: I have them!

Nani: Someone give me a dollar!

Sir Alex: Valencia, put your pants back on! Jesus Christ...

Van Persie: Am I, uh, intruding upon something? Some sort of initiation ritual?

Powell: You should come sit with us. We’re the sane ones here.

Van Persie: The music was not me, I assure you. I would have picked a different song.

Sir Alex: Put your goddamn clothes back on, Valencia! Turn the sodding music off!

Rooney: I’m leaving.

Giggs: Me too. Let’s go skip through a field of flowers and have passionate--

Powell: Hey, too much information!

Evra: Ewwwwwwwww! Cooties!

Nani: Someone give me a dollar!

Sir Alex: Oh my god...this is worse than I thought. They can’t behave...

Evra: Cooties! Cooties! Cooties!

Sir Alex: I am so sorry, Robin, this is ridiculous--wait, what are you doing?!

Evra: He’s talking to Valencia, of course.

Van Persie: Hit the music!

Boyfriend by Justin Bieber starts playing. The source of the music is still unknown.

Nani: MY EARS ARE BLEEDING OH GOD THIS IS HORRIBLE I’M DYING WHAT EVEN

Evra: Oh my god, Bieber.

Sir Alex: What the hell is happening? V-van Persie, where are your clothes?!

Van Persie: IF I WAS YOUR BOYFRIEND I’D NEVER LET YOU GO

Valencia: I COULD TAKE YOU PLACES YOU AIN’T NEVER BEEN BEFORE

Sir Alex: What the hell?

Kagawa: As it turns out, we really are the only sane ones.

Powell: SWAG SWAG SWAG ON YOU

Kagawa: ...never mind.

Sir Alex: I’m never going to get out of this place...I’m never going to escape...I’m going to die here...I’m going to die...

Van Persie: IF I WAS YOUR BOYFRIEND

The end.

Tags: football, manchester united, premier league, robin van persie
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